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A Eulogy for Carson Palmer

Oct 23, 2011 by

A Eulogy for Carson Palmer

The death sentence passed down to professional football quarterback Carson Palmer on Tuesday, October 18th was widely mourned in Southern California and pockets of Ohio as Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown organized ahijacking trade with Al Davis’ corpse that would send the once-proud Heisman winner and first-overall pick to the Oakland Raiders. 

Palmer had a tumultuous run in Cincinnati, often blamed for the team’s poor play when three-quarters of the roster was either in jail, committing crimes for which they would eventually end up in jail or starring in reality television shows. Indeed, being the only sober, non-felon on the team seemed to many in the organization to be a sign of his weakness and unwillingness to lead.

More eyebrows were raised in 2005 when Palmer suffered a career-altering knee injury in the playoffs and had to leave the game. However, Palmer worked hard to rehabilitate his knee and game back in time for the 2006 season, where he threw for over 4,000 yards and made the Pro Bowl for a second straight year. His teammates rewarded him by continuing to get arrested and violate every subsection of the NFL’s drug policy.

During the next several years of his tenure in Cincinnati, the Bengals surrounded Palmer with such model citizens as Larry Johnson, Terrell Owens and Chris Henry, a man once arrested with prostitutes while wearing his own jersey. None of that helped, much to the surprise of Mike Brown and the rest of the Bengal’s front office. (The Ouija board Brown uses to make all personnel decisions could not be reached for comment.)

All of this ineptitude and failure led to the trade of the once-proud USC quarterback on Tuesday to the Oakland Raiders, a move viewed by many as a condemnation to death. As Palmer walks toward the gallows, let us pause and reflect on his life and his achievements, and more importantly, how Mike Brown is the worst person in the world.

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